Nature has a unique grasp in me I feel more alive when am trapped into it maybe because am wild as it is. Yesterday I went for a swim again, I have a fetish for waters very strong attraction that I’ve tried to define over the years. In my teen years I used to think maybe it’s the desire of the forbidden the kind of attraction that comes when you’re hindered from something. Growing up I was asthmatic and this limited me to a lot of stuff which i considered fun. Like I couldn’t go hiking on the hills or eat ice-cream and definitely no swimming. I could sadly sit by the pool and watch my siblings swim and enjoy ice cream or cold shake while I got warm juice which really suck by the way, this made me hate weekends out. As years passed I craved the forbidden much more, night out in the tents, a dive in the pool or lake just the thought of my body submerged into the cold water enticed me.
When I finally became healthy enough to swim and break all those rules I let lose not missing any adventure that came my way. We shared the idea with my mum that the urge will fade in due time but years down the line the attraction has grown stronger still. I have a natural slim body in all my life I’ve never worked out nor gone to the gym to keep fit or be in shape it doesn’t matter if I eat junk from January to January or be on a diet there’s never a difference. This made me desire to be a model I dreamt of the run way and flashy lights and the crown. I was fabulous at posing for photos and fashion mattered so much to me. I could practice siting like a classy lady from the fashion TV, soon everything I did was an imitation of beauty queens from walking , talking, the smiles, the dress code and makeups (which got me in trouble couple of times) but the punishments wouldn’t kill my passion for the run way. I won all if not most of the beauty contest in my school and this motivated me as I was sure I had it in me and I wanted to take the big stage now. I remember the endless ugly fights I had with my mum over this issues with every breath in her she worked against this dream. Although I am a daddy’s girl I know I have much in common with my mama than him including the natural petite body, and I expected her to understand me more than anyone.
With the kind of fight she staged I lost the battle after sometime, you all know from my previous article my mama is fire her rage is of a wounded lioness she can dismantle a human being within a flip of a minute. I gave up the modelling dream after a few stolen shows with the help of my sister. Those were fun nights and weekends when we could lie about a birthday party or a concert then I would throw a suitcase full of my modeling clothes over the fence and leave the house with a simple clutch to fool my mum. The deal used to work out perfectly fine when it was a one day event as I could easily cover up that. The challenge came when I had to do a photoshoot in a different county or host a one week event in a far county. Remember I was still underage I used my sisters ID most of the time thank God we resemble each other so much that it’s easy to confuse us if we wear the same hair style. It came a point I didn’t want school anymore for I missed out on a lot of gigs when I was in boarding school though I still participated in inter school and local beauty pageants show it was nothing compared to the real runway show….. I had tested the waters and loved the depth of the still waters. I loved to see the lights, I loved to see my name in big screens, I loved the crowns oh God and I really loved the titles I was craving fame. At my high school years I was so soaked into the lifestyle with the belief that I was the star in the picture and I made the surrounding shine that I forgot my reality, I once told a friend that I never had high school puppy love and they were taken aback how come? With all the funkies and festivals how could I not been drawn to the fun teenage puppy love, thinking of it now the little taste of fame and the lifestyle had stolen my childhoodness and I felt too good to be enticed by some love letters with cheap perfume sprayed on them. Oh God how lost was I! I wonder. In my second year of high school I dropped out of school to focus on my dream. Life has a way of teaching and humbling any stray. I didn’t last a year on my own for I was back home and ready to go back to school and start over again the very next year. In that year I experienced a lot, although I failed there were some gains too. I felt and live through it all the ugly and beauty the pain and joy.
My most epic moments were the bikini shoots, you see I loved the front and was obsessed with number one and as I told you earlier my body is naturally perfect for a bikini if it is now in my late 20s what do you think it looked like during my teenage years while I was still blossoming? Definitely a headtunner. This earned me the center piece or front row of every beach shoot I participated in and the attention overwhelmed me. I was the queen of the sea that crown I held with not much competition. At the pool yesterday my friend and I decided to take some pictures random ones just for fun. I looked at my photos and I couldn’t help but dive back memory lane 13 years ago and I think I still rock the bikini. I wish I had just one picture of the past to compare or remember clearly but that day I had come back home after a year, my mum sat me down for a talk I wasn’t surprised for I expected it and some spanking too haaaa. I got both but the talk touched my soul more than the pain from the cane.my mama just like me went through an almost similar fate only that she got pregnant with my sister and her dreams were shattered. She told me she was against it for she knew I was so much like her and that meant I could balance the weight that came with fame, she was afraid I would lose myself in the process just like her which I clearly did. Mamas greatest fear was that fame would rob me off my soul and I would sink without second thought into the pool and perish. I was good but maybe not strong enough to stomach the pressure as I couldn’t set my priorities right or differentiate between the lifestyle and my reality.
When I dropped out of school and eloped she knew I wasn’t made for it for she taught me just like life taught me beauty has no use without brains. So that night I burned all the photos and certificates all the sash with MISS SO AND SO encrypted on them, I set ablaze that dream. By the time I had cleared school I was two years behind for you see I had to repeat the second year to refresh my brain. The worst thing about the beauty industry time is of value for there is age limits in the competitions and here I was two years behind being cut out of contest too late for me.
At least I had more than runway dream now I had plan B. I still put on my heels and catwalk, I still watch the fashion TV and I still judge and organize beauty pageants but I’ve never walked that run way that dream was locked years ago.
One look at my photos before I fall asleep they are beautiful yes maybe someday I will give birth to a daughter just like me and ill tell her this from the start hoping unlike me, mama and my grandma Hellen she will be stronger enough to stomach the pressure of fame.