If someone would have told me 4 years back that i would find my self and laughter again i could have looked back at them as if they were insane. sometimes things happen in life that break us and destroy something inside even if we still breathing something dies inside. i am still not sure what hurts more the incident or the struggle to rise back. to me the come back was more difficult for i knew i had lost myself and trying to remember who i was the challenge. who was i before this storm?? i am scrolling down my journals and i found this unfinished poems so many of them. the kind of pain i was in while writing this scripts is unexplainable i guess that’s why they are incomplete for i felt no words could do justice by explaining the pain or maybe some doors are still not closed. it was a dark moment for me but i guess the sun shines brighter after the storm. its four years and i am still hopeful i will one day find the words to complete this poems.
They say change begins with us just like charity begins at home. Recently when I did my swim suit shoot and posted some of the pictures on my status I was greatly disappointed by the view of one of my friend. I am liberal minded and as much as I may disagree with someone I still respect their opinion. So I did not get pissed right away instead I continued with the conversation since she had hit my inbox, and try to understand why she had that conclusion.
Stacy had screenshot my picture in a swim suit with this caption in my native language which I will translate to English “ all men will run away” then I asked her “ run to where and why?” she replied “ to where you are of course! Because of the view” I got pissed at this point such a comment coming from a mother I felt sorry for the society. A mother is the first and most important teacher to any child, most of the lessons we grow up with the motherly teachings make the greatest foundation in us. The thought of a young mother reasoning in this sense just made me sad. So I told her “I am not interested nor do I want them to come” I tried to phrase my sentences so that I don’t sound rude or lose my cool but I was still pissed. To my surprise she replied ‘ why do you display then” this got me off my cool horse at this point I unleashed all the bitchyness but in a mature way of course after breathing out heavily to calm down my nerves. I told her “first of all I am in a swimming pool i can’t swim with a dress or truck suit, second and most importantly I post what I want how I want it because it’s my page my body my life and you don’t have to view nor follow me if you feel it’s not in accordance to your standards, furthermore yours or any other persons lack of open mindedness doesn’t have to dictate my lifestyle, and lastly just because there’s a beautiful dress in a shop doesn’t mean you have to buy it any man who looks at the picture and does more than appreciate and respect it is sick!”
My point was she is a young mother and a woman too, no woman makes a great impact in man’s life like the mother. so if this was her way of reasoning how then will we teach our sons that just because something is beautiful it doesn’t give them the right to intrude? How are we going to raise a new society with a powerful mindset that appreciates art, values each other and are liberal minded understanding that everyone has a freedom to choose their way of worship, dress code, talking, whom to love and how to live and its okay to be different for our diversity is our uniqueness? How are we going to eradicate the fear of women living against their will just to please the society or our sons feeling it’s justifiable to strip their sisters in the street just because they think the dress is too short……. but according to whose standards I ask?
I had expected a confrontation to defend her point to my surprise she said “but you look so beautiful dear” what just happened!!! hold up! Oh, taking a deep breath I understood her. What she really meant to say from the start was “wow I would love to do a swim shoot but am afraid of the judgments the society is going to throw at me, won’t they see me as immoral and depict me as an unfit mother……” For she really didn’t hate the pictures she was just surprised at my guts. Young woman out there you owe no one but yourself an explanation why you’re not doing what you love to. Go out there and be you they will judge they will have their opinion but that’s all it is their opinion and the best part is it does not define you. Your life your journal pick up that pen and write your story.
The words still echoed within her booming strongly and fiercely. Each word tore deeper into her heart. She fought so hard to hold back the tears inside her and contain the rage that was growing. Brenda took a sip from her glass, she loved the stung of the whiskey so much had she gotten used to pain that the feeling enticed her now , she signed with relief as the liquor warmed her stomach tossing her hair to the side she reminded herself that she was set to have a good time tonight no matter what. After all it was New Year’s Eve and she was to have a new beginning………….. The universe has a weird way of working things out some times when we thing we got it all figure out only to find out it’s the beginning of the puzzle. That year had been rough on Brenda never had she been so broken and torn she had faced her worst and it was a miracle how she still remained sane and strong. Family drama aside she had lost the love of her life at least she thought he was haaa! And nothing broke her more than this after all what can make us happier and hurt us the most at the same time if not love?
Pain has a way to change people and she was no different she could replay the episodes, the words, the unfinished conversations and the sudden dead silent. It had taken her all her strength to leave for she knew however much it hurts to walk away it will kill her more to stay for the love was now toxic and sometimes love just ain’t enough it requires more. Eight years she had insisted in this relationship and sacrificed her all including her chance to go abroad and it destroyed her to finally realize that she had no future in it, it would be a lie to say she was going to be fine for how could she just erase all those years? Brenda just like many others in abusive relationships had lost herself trying to be what her long time fiancé expected her to be and that was the greatest battle she had after the break up trying to find herself again. This year she had set lose experimenting every theory to figure out what fits her to remind herself of who she was prior to the eight wasted years, oh yeah………. for that is the memory she held of that time frame.
“Lets dance!” her crazy best friend Janet shouted above the loud music. Snapping back to reality she raised up her glass to her friend taking a large gulp before she rose to dance. The music was amazing the beats and words spoke to her this was their favorite jam and they sang along as they danced to the tune, suddenly she stopped her heartbeat pacing up Brenda struggled to catch her breath. She staggered to her seat for her knees felt weak and her legs failed her, eyes still glued to him she struggled to sit down her tummy felt warm she was burning and she needed water……
Nature has a unique grasp in me I feel more alive when am trapped into it maybe because am wild as it is. Yesterday I went for a swim again, I have a fetish for waters very strong attraction that I’ve tried to define over the years. In my teen years I used to think maybe it’s the desire of the forbidden the kind of attraction that comes when you’re hindered from something. Growing up I was asthmatic and this limited me to a lot of stuff which i considered fun. Like I couldn’t go hiking on the hills or eat ice-cream and definitely no swimming. I could sadly sit by the pool and watch my siblings swim and enjoy ice cream or cold shake while I got warm juice which really suck by the way, this made me hate weekends out. As years passed I craved the forbidden much more, night out in the tents, a dive in the pool or lake just the thought of my body submerged into the cold water enticed me.
When I finally became healthy enough to swim and break all those rules I let lose not missing any adventure that came my way. We shared the idea with my mum that the urge will fade in due time but years down the line the attraction has grown stronger still. I have a natural slim body in all my life I’ve never worked out nor gone to the gym to keep fit or be in shape it doesn’t matter if I eat junk from January to January or be on a diet there’s never a difference. This made me desire to be a model I dreamt of the run way and flashy lights and the crown. I was fabulous at posing for photos and fashion mattered so much to me. I could practice siting like a classy lady from the fashion TV, soon everything I did was an imitation of beauty queens from walking , talking, the smiles, the dress code and makeups (which got me in trouble couple of times) but the punishments wouldn’t kill my passion for the run way. I won all if not most of the beauty contest in my school and this motivated me as I was sure I had it in me and I wanted to take the big stage now. I remember the endless ugly fights I had with my mum over this issues with every breath in her she worked against this dream. Although I am a daddy’s girl I know I have much in common with my mama than him including the natural petite body, and I expected her to understand me more than anyone.
With the kind of fight she staged I lost the battle after sometime, you all know from my previous article my mama is fire her rage is of a wounded lioness she can dismantle a human being within a flip of a minute. I gave up the modelling dream after a few stolen shows with the help of my sister. Those were fun nights and weekends when we could lie about a birthday party or a concert then I would throw a suitcase full of my modeling clothes over the fence and leave the house with a simple clutch to fool my mum. The deal used to work out perfectly fine when it was a one day event as I could easily cover up that. The challenge came when I had to do a photoshoot in a different county or host a one week event in a far county. Remember I was still underage I used my sisters ID most of the time thank God we resemble each other so much that it’s easy to confuse us if we wear the same hair style. It came a point I didn’t want school anymore for I missed out on a lot of gigs when I was in boarding school though I still participated in inter school and local beauty pageants show it was nothing compared to the real runway show….. I had tested the waters and loved the depth of the still waters. I loved to see the lights, I loved to see my name in big screens, I loved the crowns oh God and I really loved the titles I was craving fame. At my high school years I was so soaked into the lifestyle with the belief that I was the star in the picture and I made the surrounding shine that I forgot my reality, I once told a friend that I never had high school puppy love and they were taken aback how come? With all the funkies and festivals how could I not been drawn to the fun teenage puppy love, thinking of it now the little taste of fame and the lifestyle had stolen my childhoodness and I felt too good to be enticed by some love letters with cheap perfume sprayed on them. Oh God how lost was I! I wonder. In my second year of high school I dropped out of school to focus on my dream. Life has a way of teaching and humbling any stray. I didn’t last a year on my own for I was back home and ready to go back to school and start over again the very next year. In that year I experienced a lot, although I failed there were some gains too. I felt and live through it all the ugly and beauty the pain and joy.
My most epic moments were the bikini shoots, you see I loved the front and was obsessed with number one and as I told you earlier my body is naturally perfect for a bikini if it is now in my late 20s what do you think it looked like during my teenage years while I was still blossoming? Definitely a headtunner. This earned me the center piece or front row of every beach shoot I participated in and the attention overwhelmed me. I was the queen of the sea that crown I held with not much competition. At the pool yesterday my friend and I decided to take some pictures random ones just for fun. I looked at my photos and I couldn’t help but dive back memory lane 13 years ago and I think I still rock the bikini. I wish I had just one picture of the past to compare or remember clearly but that day I had come back home after a year, my mum sat me down for a talk I wasn’t surprised for I expected it and some spanking too haaaa. I got both but the talk touched my soul more than the pain from the cane.my mama just like me went through an almost similar fate only that she got pregnant with my sister and her dreams were shattered. She told me she was against it for she knew I was so much like her and that meant I could balance the weight that came with fame, she was afraid I would lose myself in the process just like her which I clearly did. Mamas greatest fear was that fame would rob me off my soul and I would sink without second thought into the pool and perish. I was good but maybe not strong enough to stomach the pressure as I couldn’t set my priorities right or differentiate between the lifestyle and my reality.
When I dropped out of school and eloped she knew I wasn’t made for it for she taught me just like life taught me beauty has no use without brains. So that night I burned all the photos and certificates all the sash with MISS SO AND SO encrypted on them, I set ablaze that dream. By the time I had cleared school I was two years behind for you see I had to repeat the second year to refresh my brain. The worst thing about the beauty industry time is of value for there is age limits in the competitions and here I was two years behind being cut out of contest too late for me.
At least I had more than runway dream now I had plan B. I still put on my heels and catwalk, I still watch the fashion TV and I still judge and organize beauty pageants but I’ve never walked that run way that dream was locked years ago.
One look at my photos before I fall asleep they are beautiful yes maybe someday I will give birth to a daughter just like me and ill tell her this from the start hoping unlike me, mama and my grandma Hellen she will be stronger enough to stomach the pressure of fame.
Tomorrow is my birthday, for the past years it’s never been a big deal to me. Just a day I eat cake, drink, get new stuff and have fun nothing intense. This year is different I don’t want to celebrate my birthday. I am analyzing the past years and I feel strongly left behind it’s like I’ve been moving in circles. Am slow in starting things I should have way back. All I have is a bag full of excuses on why? But to be honest I’ve let fear cripple me and hinder me from exploring my limits.
This year I just felt I should do different if it’s better well that’s an advantage to me but if it’s worse at least I tried. Ever felt like you got a lot to offer but you chose to lock it deep inside somewhere?. of what use is a hammer in a shelve stored for display or a candle under a bed? I’ve had a lot of time since I graduated 3 years back can’t believe I haven’t finished writing a book I started during my last semester in school and to be precise it’s not the only unfinished book and poem I have.
This morning I lay in bed awake for hours trying to figure out why and I have no answer for this question what keeps holding me back? Why don’t I have time to do what I like or am supposed to do?. Then I shouted at myself do you some people work more than 3 jobs a day in the same hours that we are all equally given by God? What’s my reason then if I even have any? Fact is I should be having more than I do at this moment. The best part is it’s never too late to start over again and am no longer scared to rewind and fill the missing pieces. I’ve find out my love for parties and late night clubbing’s is what holds me back.
In 2018 I’ve partied even during the weekdays as early as Monday to the next Monday, most blogs have written when I was hangovered, at other times I could not bring myself to write. Unnecessary travelling that’s been costly and honestly fun but not really worth the struggle have drained me financially a little unnecessary debts to top it up, and you know what this money could have been invested in a better asset. I thank God that this year it’s not only a birthday day but a growing day, yes age comes with wisdom I think am getting there. I wish to grow with every birthday, so when the next one comes, I get to celebrate for a reason for the years won’t stop and wait for me. Tomorrow I am cutting ties with chains that holds me behind and getting a fresh start I hope anyone in my shoes gets to find out what holds them behind? So you can move forward.
…………..I come from a family of academic genius apart from my uncle Philemon, the rest will proudly show you’re their PhDs and masters. It does not end there as they insist it’s not about getting a masters it’s about getting it with a first-class honor’s. They always seem perfect in everything they touch and do. I remember growing up any negative aspect I had, would be associated to my dad’s side while the positive always had to be from my mum’s side since they were too perfect to have spots. At times I felt like I hated my dad’s side like why won’t they be as sparkles as my mamas family so I would be spotless too. They spoke the best English since unlike their age mates during those years they grew up in the city instead of the rural and went to the top schools were they were taught by white teachers hence their great speaking skills. To top it up not only were they great in academics but man they got talent too. Although my dad can draw I know most of my uncles draw more though as a hobby since to them they don’t consider art as a profession. Come to music they are a family of music mostly gospel since my grandparents are church pastors, when it came to dancing oh yeah I can dance but I know its inherited from my mama she can move even at this moment old yes but she is still queen of the dance floor. My passion of writing and poetry I like to bet it halfway as my dad’s brother was a lover of books too but again my uncle from my mamas side has written way more novels in Netherlands, so has his cousin who is a Swahili writer in Tanzania writing many set books that have been used for fasihi study’s in high school. My grandpa’s poems, set piece, dance, and music has won his students national drama and music festival awards taking them all the way to state house so again where do I get the talent from? As a child this aspect looks like you’re growing up in the royalties where you’re not allowed to be yourself but a trend follower living through the footsteps of customs that existed way before your conception. You had to be perfect or perfect, win or win make it or make it to be sincere there was no choice it had to be their way. I try to look down the line where this urge of perfection came from what felt so empty inside them that needed perfection, medals, titles and awards to fill. I can know there childhood but I think maybe it was imposed on them as they imposed it on us the third generation.
If I had talked longer with Phil that day I know he would have told me how odd one out he felt in his own family. For he was different but they don’t recognize different! You have to go through school and bring excellent results home and take a course that’s important by their standards and get a good job the end!. Maybe he desired to fit in this steps and that’s why he tried though it was not what he wanted in life. But the urge to please people or fit in made him loss himself in the process of trying. At a point in his life he had lost his dream and didn’t know who he was or what he wanted and he felt hopeless. I remember he used to hate the holidays since he would get so many lectures on his performance in school. While everyone was happy celebrating he would be given hours of lectures I was young but I didn’t like how it felt to watch him being shouted at I think it embarrassed him and this made him more resilient. With years he was changing towards them he started drugs soft till he was addicted to the hard ones too. Our relationship didn’t change he might have closed down on them but not us the nieces and nephews from time to time we would share our misery about the expectations placed before us and laugh about it mostly the rude answers and sarcastic replies from our parents when they were mad at us which was often and we learnt to take it as jokes. We thought this helped as it was our secret therapy what we did not realize was that when the holidays was over we all left him alone since he was the last born. I thank God for my siblings at least we had each other and we learnt to love each other more through our childhood a bond that’s still strong and unbreakable to this day, but Phil stood alone I cannot assume to know how it really felt all I know was he was depressed and addicted to drugs and in silence he lost himself speaking less and closing doors, his hopes he locked away and gave up on life and mostly on himself. He realized he had no place to be himself in this set up and decided to be who and what everyone expected him to be, and when he failed at this also he lost it and snapped in silence. Not even rehab could hold him now.
I always feel sad he didn’t even leave a note and I know my family feels the same. But I walk into his shoes and notice from his last call and the conversations during the holidays he had once said when I had protested very strongly about my sisters opinion of remaining silent during lectures and letting it be so the lectures would end, I was of the opinion to argue out till my point was noticed and heard. Philemon had looked had at me and said “why do you bother talking when no one listens, it’s a fight you can’t win because no one cares about what you want just what they want you to be, their opinion is all that matters” so I sit down and think why would we expect him to leave a note . We didn’t hear him when he screamed at life how can we understand words scribed on a paper?
The last heap of dust fell on top of his grave, we stood in a row holding a flower each on one hand our faces wet with streams of tears. All eyes on the grave I can’t believe he’s gone. Our hearts broken our joy shuttered guilt and anger brewing inside us. Placing a ring of flowers around his grave it was time to say goodbye. The grave remained still just like the air stood, footsteps faded away as they left the grave site only close family remained and it was a moment of silence before we broke into a song to sooth our pain.
Depression is never considered as a serious sickness in the African community mostly when it’s a man. An African man is expected to stand up at all time and never shade a tear since men don’t cry. What we don’t realize is they are human and have emotions too. The expectations of society on people are not always favorable as we are all different in a way or the other. As you can’t teach a fish how to run nor expect a bird to win a swimming completion, the same way it’s wrong to put standards according to one to define the success of all and this can be stressful leading to depression. No one ever tells us it’s okay to fail or lose and it’s okay to be different as that’s your uniqueness and most importantly it’s okay to choose what you want to be and live for at the end of it it’s your life and you should be its only author. Although suicide is considered a taboo in Kenya and Africa it doesn’t out shadow the fact that it’s real and its creeping in our society stealing away beautiful souls. Its time to address this calamity and face it. Its time to create awareness and know its okay to seek help and there is no shame in it. I am happy to have come across this mazing organization in Kenya BEFRIENDERS KENYA that deals with depression, suicide, bereavement and abuse. Your voice matters so does your opinion, your diversity is your uniqueness and YES!!!! YOU CAN FINALY BE YOURSELF!!!
Call us now – +254722178177.Email firstname.lastname@example.org
Is it just me or are there places that brings out a different persona in one? Am one of the people who consider themselves well aware of their nature and every personality displayed under their control but ohh my!! Punda Milia camp Nakuru the four words that got me go gaga. You can call me a control freak although am flexible and can adjust easily I prefer things to go systematics as prior planned rather than making adjustments. So I took a random vacay to this resort situated in a beautiful savannah in the outskirts of Nakuru town.
Outdoor activities fascinate me as I am in love with nature. This is a perfect place for nature lovers and relaxing holidays. It had been a pretty rough week and busy one to say. In between hustle and balancing personal time throughout the year this last month felt like a breaking point I was almost turning into a zombie, in fact I didn’t realize how unfair I had been to my body until after this trip.
The first step was to leave my laptop at home and intentionally forget my charger so as to forcefully program myself to practice phone etiquette. By this I mean no going through my phone unless it was a matter of life and death coz my battery will go off and the best part about blackberry is you can’t share a charger. That sorted, I left all my novels at home no books not even a magazine. I wasn’t sure about the level of fun though I knew my best friend was a charmer the rest of the three people were strangers. A few clothes, booze, passport’s (just in case the ID’s got lost) and cash the journey began.
The thing with control freaks they are usually if not always perfectionist but I tell you I had nothing negative from the trip or maybe I was too tipsy. The views are break taking, the weather conducive and I loved everything including the rocky road for a tarmac would destroy the whole picture of the natural savanna. The hospitality is warm and empathetic glad nature hasn’t ripped them off their humility though they dwell in its heart.
I would vote for the tents or bandas any day but since we were five and wanted to hang out together trying to balance the equation the guest house seemed like a more convenient option. At the sight of the tall greenhouse I fell head over heels in love with it yes! I could gladly skip the tent this time.
Five may seem like a crowd for going for vacation but trust me the house swallowed the entire crew with its luxurious space and décor. The interior design is fascinating a blend of modern and African touch. The large glass windows gives a spectacular view of the outside world from all angles of the house. I loved the fact that the upstairs had two large balconies on both side, perfect for watching the sunset and sunrise. It was like a large tent only a royal one and I can’t forget the hygiene was sparkles. Yes this was definitely an ideal location.
My words may give you a picture of this insane beauty but for one to get consumed by the feeling this place drowns in you, then you have to be physically present to experience as you breathe in the energy. At my first breath I became savage just like nature.
I love the bathtub coz of the view but my most memorable moment’s freezes in the kitchen, damn!! That white counter. Do you know how they say the forbidden fruit is the sweetest? oh yes!! I agree completely. In the heart of the night nature unleashes its true form wild, savage, selfish and ruthless just like I dropped the composed persona and became one with nature equally savage in the heart of the night and depth of darkness.
I would crawl back to you lovely Punda Milia for you made me understand and embrace my darkness for we are alike as much as different. Dusk paves way for dawn as darkness disappears insight of light. As the wild retreat to their cages and the resort is sweet again to welcome the sunrise locking away the secrets of the night so do I enslave mine and pick up my mask again.